World AIDS Day 2008

Wow ... another year.  There are many people who can not fully understand what it is like to live each day of our lives knowing that at any moment we could wake up with an opportunistic infection or condition of some sort that could bring us our final breath. Those living with HIV/AIDS live each year in an effort to make it to one more. We can't help but to remember our precious friends and others whose lives have been cut short by this horrible disease and yet at the same time we celebrate our survival and that of others who are still with us ... living with HIV/AIDS.

December 02, 2008
Tuesday

Hit the bed about 9:00 PM last night ... missed an email from Dwayne about 10:00-ish. He went to Winston-Salem yesterday ... Cory went with him. Wish I could have been there, but very glad to didn't have to go alone.

Took a pill last night anticipating sleep difficulties ... slept okay up until around 2:30 AM, but then it was toss/turn the rest of the night. Thinking too much was the primary culprit. Remembering classmates that are no longer with us and thinking about the ones that are and how much I hope we have another reunion and each and everyone of them will make a special effort to be there. I couldn't stop thinking about these beautiful people that I shared life with for so many years. I would absolutely love to see ALL of them in one room again. How totally awesome that would be. It brings tears to my eyes when I think how this is not something that will likely ever happen again ... how can I help but to not shed tears of sorrow ... it breaks my heart. I look at the picture from our 20 year reunion and tears of both joy and sadness roll effortlessly from my eyes remembering ... I wish I could tell them all how blessed I feel to have known them, and how much I treasure all we shared through those years together. I wish them abundant love, health and happiness always.

Not a highly productive day ... phone tag with Dwayne and prepping for dinner tonight is about the highlights thus far.

Fixed dinner ... Mom was running a wee bit late, so it was around 6:30 PM before we ate, but it went fast. I walked back in the door here a few minutes after 7:00 and Dwayne called ... he had been playing taxi for Cory all day and was just getting back home. I wish ....

December 03, 2008
Wednesday

Yakked with Dwayne until about 8:30 PM ...  he had to go back out for cigars, so we said goodnight.. Piddled around  after the phone call with TV and Classmates registration until about 10:00 PM ... climbed in bed and actually slept fairly well last night. Didn't crawl out until about 10:30-ish. Woke up around 9, but laid there tossing/turning/dozing until I finally gave up and got up. Dad's home today for some reason ... taking Christmas decorations in the house the brilliant way, of course. Walking back and forth from the storage building one handful at a time ... just amazing. <sigh> My heart don't even slightly bleed for him.

I hate this depression ... wish I could kick it, but I guess considering the root of where it comes from, that isn't something that will come easy, if at all. Some things are all but impossible to hide when they pour from your heart. If only ...

6:30 PM - haven't done a lot today ... don't feel especially great. The upper left side of my chest is still hurting. Safe to say it has me adequately freaked. <sigh> Please God, not again! It was a Soup & Sandwich for dinner night ... well, I had another bowl of Turkey stew, but whatever. Mom's off tomorrow ... her and Cindy are going to the Christmas Fair again this year at the Palmetto Expo Center in Greenville. I'm guessing Dad will be off again. ??? Today is National Disability Day ... no one sent my sorry, disabled ass a card. Oh well, it's clearly depressing how no one properly appreciates perfect human  imperfection within a recessionary period these days.

Almost 8:00 PM ... watched Charlie after the news, then Ray came on ... I like Ray too, but he's no Charlie. I think I'm going to bed. Still feeling kind of rough ... dang, I hate this. I hope this isn't another rough of empyema ... I don't think I can take it. <sigh> Rudolph is on ... guess I'll climb in bed, cuddle up with no one and watch it alone -- once again. Yeah ... if only.  "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true." 

December 04, 2008
Thursday

1:15 PM - held true to my morning ritual as usual ... still not feeling too great, but no worse either. Haven't done much but sit around watching TV and sitting in front of this thing. I did manage to walked up to the house about noon-ish ... unloaded the dishwasher, watered stuff, prepped for dinner and warmed up some veggie soup for lunch. Without further delay, I came back here, returned to my perch and effectively resumed my effortless attention to the TV ... we tapped out the Hung the Relentless and now working over the "second half of Gays of our Lies in just a moment".

I guess a minuscule improvement in my attitude today .... the heart is still longing, though. Maybe it's just the seasonal blues combined with the dreary winter weather jointly accentuated by my monotonous seclusion from the world.

Went back up to the house and instigated just a tad bit above infinitesimal effort toward cleaning ... ran the vacuum, cleaned at the bathroom, arranged the throw-rugs and hung the wall-mount stereo system so it would be higher and easier for my Mom to get to and enjoy. She hasn't rolled back in yet ... hope her and Cindy had a nice day.

6:00 PM - Mom's still not home ... sort of tiffs me off, too. I've got one of those nice dinners laid out waiting to be cooked ... re-heated - not so good, and the phone seems to be working just fine. Sure do miss my boy ... wonder what he's up to? I wish I could hear his voice.

9:00 PM - Mom is home safe. I just finished watching a re-run of my stud Tom ... the Supernatural brothers are strutting their hot stuff now ... guess I'm going to climb in bed and watch it ... then hopefully to sleep.

December 05, 2008
Friday

11:00 AM - Ordinary morning ... crawled out about an hour ago. I don't know, <sigh>, I wake up anywhere between 5 - 7:00 AM, but just lay there doing the toss/turn deal more than sleeping ... just don't have a reason to get up, I guess. It's a beautiful winter day out, though ... nice sunshine and not cold at all. Since it's not quite 90 degrees, Dwayne would likely beg to differ, I guess. <lol>

Nothing much on the productive line again today ... I piddled in the sunroom trying to make room for the Christmas tree and did Mom's sheets, but that is about the extent.

Clearly, I wasted my time once again. Apparently my decor provisions weren't to tacky standards, so tacky was invoked and now being displayed. Next on the bitch list - Bobby is here for the weekend, I guess; therefore, my dinner plans had to be altered to accommodate. I suppose it wasn't too bad ... it was eggs, sausage, toast and grits ... I had intended to make the eggs omelet-style with onions, bell peppers, tomatoes and cheese mixed in, but he wouldn't have ate it that way, so ....

Watched Ghost Whisperer and now Lipstick Jungle is on ... I think I'm going to watch it on the big-boy TV from bed.

December 06, 2008
Saturday

9:00 AM - and the day begins. It has thus far consisted of coffee, email and brief moments of attention given to the TV. An article about Rosemont, Pa. artist, Joe Dillon and his artistic creations of "green" furniture. won recognition for his rocket projectile sculpture forged of scrap tubing located at yards in Reading, PA. Now, he has turned his focus to hyrdronic furniture (it radiates heat from water flowing inside), which is showcased in a Philadelphia Inquirer article highlighting the energy savings of his unconventional drain storms. He comments on how complacent we have become, being able to flipping a switch and having air conditioning turn on but it costs money and energy to have that luxury and countless others we indulge ourselves with. A couple of other items that caught my attention was the water conduit in his bathroom isn't a sink. Instead, the water runs off a stainless steel counter top into a floor drain, and his totally glass-blocked bathroom with a built-in solar calendar ... You can tell what time of year it is by which blocks light up left to right, just like Stonehenge. Total cool.

Moving along to total UN-cool ... walked up to the house - the place looks like a cyclone hit it. "Bobby's" room is a total wreck, the sunroom is a wreck, the hand-towel in the bathroom looks like somebody wiped their ass with it, God forbid someone open the dishwasher and put dirty dishes in it ... the list goes on. Unbelievable! I walked through, decided it wasn't my issue and left it. Mom can either correct their lack of respect for her or put them in the yard were pigs are suppose to live.

Haven't heard anything from Dwayne since Tuesday ... I hope that isn't a bad thing. I'm not sure how I feel about him being around Cory so much and got a feeling that may be a major contributor to his absence the past few days. I don't know if I'm just jealous of Cory being so accessible and/or fearful of the provisional temptations this presents ... I guess both issues. I'm jealous and there is also now a bridge that leads to Cory. 

Due to lack of any motivation and/or desire, I ended up climbing back in bed. It's another gloomy, no sunshine day and slightly chilly ... since my feet were cold, I submitted to the warmth provided under the cover. Not thinking so much is, of course, another plus to sleeping. Bazaar dream ... don't remember too much about it, but Brenda Baron and Denise Freeland were in it. I guess some subconscious effect from thinking about my dear classmates recently.  ???

10:30 PM - well, <big sigh> got an email from Dwayne's Mom about 9:00 PM this evening ... she hasn't heard anything from Dwayne since Wednesday. He dropped Baby off at Brian's, said he would be back Thursday or Friday. Used Friedrich as an excuse. My guess is Cory is involved. I'm very worried about him and equally pissed to the max. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but him "disappearing" doesn't leave much room for benefit. It just broke my heart hearing the worry in his Mom's voice, but I just had to call and let her know I had not heard from him.

Midnight - Got an email a little earlier from Cory and he confirmed Dwayne was with him ... I let his Mom know he was alive ... "okay" is questionable. I'm going to bed now ... may have to hammer a few nails back in my own bridges.

December 07, 2008
Sunday

11:00 AM - Originally woke up about 6:00 AM ... peed and came to check email to see what was new ... nothing of value at that time, but did hear back from Dwayne a few minutes ago ... he's home. ?RELAX? Not sure how to take that remark ... so terribly sorry loving you and caring about your wellbeing is such a taxing imposition in your life. Oh, pretty please forgive us! I wasn't really crazy about the position I was in, but I figured it was better for me to be a little forth-coming with information than to have him potentially dealing with police/missing persons report. Add that with trying to be reassuring to his Mom about something you're not really sure about yourself without saying anything that might make matters worse isn't exactly an easy task - to say the least. 

Trying to be a little motivated today ... the outlet the stove was plugged into wasn't working, so that increased the need to move the shelving unit, open the access door to the water heater and turn it up a wee bit ... applying some modest changes in the arrangement as I'm putting stuff back. Pretty much tit for tat stuff, but be it small thus far, a  change in scenery nonetheless.

I've been pondering over things in the background throughout the day. I feel kind of empty and discouraged about some things. There's this intimacy that seems to be shared/given so freely to others ... it didn't use to bother me in quite the same way it does within this particular instance ... I suppose the hurt from other recent emotional wounds suffered along with this contributes significantly to my current state of being. Yes, I'm being vague ... if I were to pour my heart into descriptive words, it would leave even strangers wailing uncontrollably as they rush to throw themselves from tall buildings, willingly leaving their entire box of Peppermint Patti's on the ledge, diving face-first toward the ground below ... wishing with urgency they could fall faster and hit sooner confessing aloud their eagerness to ease my breaking heart. Okay ... a bit over dramatized, but it gets the point across ... I have to try and laugh or I'd likely die crying.

I remember writing this not too long ago ... My arm around him, pulling him close, holding him sheltered against my chest ... my face pressed lightly against the back of his head, deeply breathing in his fragrance, my leg snuggled between his - sighing with overwhelming contentment feeling the full length of his body against mine ... placing soft, gentle kisses along the nap of his neck, as we both slide peacefully off to sleep ... About the only thing that has changed in that fantasy is the unlikely reality that it will ever happen. <sigh> Why? Am I that unlovable? You'd rather ..... on a dirty ..... with a ... rather than in the ... with me? Yet you'll ..... something so ........ with .... for 3/4 days, but you won't even ..... me? Yeah ... I'm totally up to speed on things. When I think about the vivid possibility of growing old(er) alone ... no one there to share it with, to hold to love and give me love in return ... yeah, why bother? I hurt so bad. <sob> 11:00 PM - I got to tell you ... tonight's episode of Brothers & Sisters did NOT help at all. I think I'm going to take a pill now and cry myself to sleep, alone of course ... it's only fitting. I have such a headache already.

December 08, 2008
Monday

1:30 PM - Well ... thanks to the pill I guess, I managed to fall asleep and cry less in a timely manner last night. I suppose a better disposition today, so far anyway. Up a little after 9:00 AM ... showered while the coffee brewed ... started to whoop that scanky hoe, but let it go. Coffee while doing email, dressed and out the door a little past 10:00 AM to go pick up a bag of drugs from Wally ... Mom wanted me to pick up some potpourri, and got a few other needed items while I was there. Hearing Aid batteries, eggs, Pepsi, telephone cord ... I'm still toying with the idea of switching the rooms around, but hoping that thought will soon pass.

Still nothing from my boy ... I guess he's going to need most of the week to recuperate. <sigh> I also guess the CQC fights in Charlotte are off for Saturday too. I don't know if he's still going to pick up Friedrich at the airport or not, but not sure I even want to see him right now anyway. The tickets are at his house ... maybe him and his buddy Cory can go together. That seems to be more to his liking anyway.

Okay ... now this one sort of blows my mind off the chart. I got an envelope in the mail today from a Jesse R. Abernathy of Waynesboro, GA. (I don't know this person) ... the envelope contained a small Gideon International New Testament Bible that was mine, originally issued on May 12, 1972.  It was in the storage building stuff that Bruce, Tina and I lost back in 1987.  It had my home (the lake house), address in the "Presented to:" information, so this amazing man returned it to me. I don't even close to know how to process this one ... of all the things I lost, this ...

Mom is back home ... she cut out earlier - went to the grocery store. She's been whooping up Christmas candy all day ... 2 platters of fudge, a batch of Divinity and working on the second now ... dinner upon completion. Walked back up to the house around 5:00 PM ... Mom was on the down-side of finishing up the second batch of Divinity and exhausted so I pulled dinner together. It wasn't 5-star (4.75 maybe - I mean, I still WAS the chef, you know. <snicker>) ... everyone had 2 plates, so obviously it was good.

7:00 PM - the second Charlie show! Yippee! I missed the first Charlie whilst cleaning up the kitchen ... makes you just plain giddy knowing he puts out twice. Alan's a real trooper ... Charlie is steady busting his chops.

December 09, 2008
Tuesday

10:00 AM - been up about an hour .... the usual, coffee, email, kitty stuff and brief moments of TV so far. Up a few times during the night ... I was awake at 4:30 AM when Dad left out for his class in Sumter. No envy, though I would just love to see Timmy. I don't know if he still works with Budweiser there or not. What an awesome guy he was. Have thought about you tons of times and I miss you buddy! I hope our paths cross again one day.

Walked up to the house to check on my Mom ... she's still working away at decorating the house for Christmas and doing a little laundry. It's 2:24 PM ... I'm thinking about you this very moment, Dwayne ... well, actually uncountable more "moments, but just thought I would right this one down.  Anyway ... gloomy looking outside, rain supposedly on the way ... not that we don't need it, but I just hate dead, sunless winter weather.

I was just notified by email about some current Headline news!!! Did you know, "Now your member can be as hard as  Pinocchio's nose". Okay now ... let me see if I got this right.  Pinocchio isn't real, so exactly how could anyone ascertain with any accuracy exactly how hard Pinocchio's nose actually is? Hmm? I wonder if my other member can be as fluffy as Bugs Bunny's tail? Or maybe as water-tight as Daffy Ducks butt? Oh well, that one I'm sure of, but you get the point nevertheless.

Dwayne called, I guess while Mom was talking to Gina. (Voice Mail) I suppose I should call him back, but I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him just yet. I went back up to the house considering getting Mom to call and totally reverse the scenario with him ... Why? Because that's just the cold, heartless, full-blooded smart ass I am and he SO deserves my best. I'd take him out back to the woodshed, but he's probably already been there ... too. I guess everyone can't be as untainted and untarnished as I am ... it's problematical sometimes, but I'm bent over  saving myself for marriage.

December 10, 2008
Wednesday

Typical AM.

2:30 PM - nothing much on the happening today. Washed/changed my bed clothes and a few other items, Rice, Kimchee and chicken for lunch watching the Old and the Wrinkled, then Gays of Our Lies and now As the Girls Twirl. Got a call from my boy this morning ... couldn't hardly talk to him yet. He was asking about the fight/etc but in an attempt to refrain from saying something harsh, I haven't said much of anything just yet. I love the boy dearly, but I don't like him very much right now. His Dad showed up shortly after he called, so I let him go. He is suppose to call back later.

4:00 PM - Showered/shaved earlier ... I had buzzed my hair early this morning and had little hair bristles all over me making me itch. Sit here trying to cool back down from the shower, trying to figure out what to say/do about Dwayne ... he had called earlier, I tried to call back a little bit ago, but he must have been talking to someone. Called again around 5:00-ish ... he wasn't in the best of spirits, so I went very easy on him ... I guess love truly does trump all else ... I felt so sorry for him. <sigh> I wish I could have been there to wrap my arms around him and just hold him. Said he'd been upset and had slept most of the day. He said he has really suffered a set-back from his recent getaway. I'm having a hard time not putting Cory out the picture ... a couple of phone calls and I'll wreck access to that bridge.

I guess I'm heading north tomorrow. I don't want Dwayne to have make this 5+ hour trip alone Friday.

December 11, 2008
Thursday

Got to Salisbury around 3:00 PM this afternoon ... it was a rough, stressful trip, raining heavy at times every inch of the way.

December 12, 2008
Friday

We left out for the airport in Greensboro (1.5 hrs), picked up Frederick (Dwayne's friend from Tampa), carried him to Asheville, (3.5 hours), dropped him at his parents, left Asheville back to Salisbury (3.5 hours), attempt to unwind and get some sleep so we would somewhat rested for Saturday's events.

December 13, 2008
Saturday

Close Quarters Combat Tickets - Cricket Arena, Charlotte, NC - 7:30 PM

Got to Charlotte later than I had hoped. I got up early and cleaned the house so it would be clean when we returned as Frederick would be with us when we returned. Dwayne's brother, Brian, and a friend of his came down and went to the fights too ... not a large crowd, but that was okay by me. The arena attendants ended up taking us down to seat us 5th row center floor seats. Yep, the only thing that trumps seeing it from a distance is seeing it close up! Awesomemorer!

Got a room in Charlotte, so back there to sleep after the fights ... checked out Sunday morning ...

December 14, 2008
Sunday

Drove to Asheville (2.5 hours),  picked up Frederick and drove back to Salisbury to Dwayne's, (3.5 hours). 6:00-ish returning, dinner at the College BBQ place in Salisbury, Food Lion for peach cobbler supplies, home to fix that, munched and shortly to bed ... Unpleasant and uncomfortable night ...

December 15, 2008
Monday

... Got up early, showered and packed ready to leave. Went to Bojangle's for biscuits for everyone and had breakfast set up and ready when they got up ... we munched, chatted briefly and I left, headed back home around 10:00 AM.  Fixed dinner for Mom/Dad/self, ate, cleaned up, unpacked ... actually stayed pretty steady active at it until I fell in bed around 9:00 PM totally exhausted.

December 16, 2008
Tuesday

Woke/up about 9:00 AM ... felt pretty good and rested. Not a high energy day, but got a few things done ... laundry, tidied up the house for Mom, prepped dinner, worked on adding a "short version" to fill in the missed journal entries above ... stuff like that. Dwayne called about 1:00 PM ... I think he has my microwave bugged.... seems he KNOWS EXACTLY when it turns off EVERY time I use it! <lol> He's going to try to get an appointment with Piedmont Dental in Anderson to get his teeth fixed ... wanted to know if he could crash here, like he even had to ask such a question.

Watching Charlie Brown Christmas ... it's almost 9:00 PM ... guess I'm going to crash after this goes off. I intended to go to town tomorrow, but according to Dad, the government regulations lets too many deer live; therefore, the state should have to pay the deductible on the insurance repairs when someone hits one, I may have to postpone. <sigh>

December 17, 2008
Wednesday

Woke up around 3:00 AM ... it was so hot in here. Turned the A/C on hoping once it cooled down some I would stop tossing/turning and go back to sleep ... eventually did, but not a peaceful sleep. Woke up/got up around 8:00 AM ... the Cooper and SUV are both gone, so I guess my Christmas shopping is postponed ... just GREAT! Dad's truck is here and I could go in it, but I just don't like driving it, sooooo ......

5:15 PM - Got dinner prepped up and fixing to go finish it up.

9:00 PM - Dwayne had his doctor appointment today ... I wanted to be/go with him so bad. I was hoping he would call and let me know how everything went. <sigh> I love you, Dwayne and I've been thinking about you all day ... wish I was with you. :) I guess I'm going to bed now. Hugs!

December 18, 2008
Thursday

Woke around 8:00 AM ... got up, coffee, the usual. The insurance adjuster is suppose to come look at the deer damage to the SUV this morning (10:00) ... had planned to go work on some Christmas shopping afterwards, but I don't think I'll be much in the "spirit" for shopping until I hear something from Dwayne. Maybe I should go before I hear anything ... shopping may have no appeal at all after I hear from him. <sigh> 10:10 AM ... just tried to call, but the machine picked up. <another sigh> Ah yes ... he called back a few minutes later ... his appointment went very well and he was happy with his numbers, as I am too. Thank you God for your mercy and grace in his life. I'm hoping the positive news will encourage him toward a more positive life and not make him chisel at it, taking it for granite. He's prepping and getting ready to head this way ... we're going to have 22 teeth removed in the morning. I hope it goes well. I want this for him and I know he wants it too ... and hopefully, it will help return a lot of the self-esteem issues he has developed the last couple of years. To me ... he is still just as awesome as always.

3:45 PM - Mom/Dad are off to Mom's employee Christmas party. Haven't heard anything from Dwayne yet, but I honestly don't expect him till after dark ... he probably got held up scratching his ass. <lol>

December 19, 2008
Friday

Piedmont Dental - 8:00 AM - Pretty much an all-day affair, but I actually expected that it would be. Thankfully, everything went fairly well, as I anticipated, it went better than he anticipated. His teeth look great and so happy for him.

December 20, 2008
Saturday

Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house I go. Dwayne left out for home around 9:30-ish. The weather was less than appealing, but I decided I wanted to join everyone for Christmas at my Grandma's, so I hit the shower, pulled everything together and hit the road about 11:00 AM. Arrived in Aiken around 1:00 PM ... traffic through town was bumper-to-bumper so it slowed me down a wee bit ... arrived safely, nevertheless. MIA: Gina/Gene/Steven and April/family. Didn't know for sure I was going to be able to do it, but I'm so very glad I went. Grandma seems to be well, but it is amazing what 365 days can do. She appears a good bit more frail than last year ... her steps are somewhat uncertain; however she is still keeping house alone, relatively healthy and very lucid for 90 years of age -- Thanks be to God. Her church honored her on her 90th birthday with a plaque and a letter reminding everyone of her contributions and involvements within her church and community ... she was very proud of it, as she well should be. Again, thanks be to God. (See pictures)

Got home, totally exhausted about 6:30 PM ... came the back roads past Edgefield into Plum Branch hauling it around 75/80 mph, merry on my way back and happy, ho, ho, ho to be here! Went in the house and turned some lights on for Mom/Dad ... Eric roamed into the shop while I was unloading the SUV and gathering up something to eat. Chatted with him a few minutes ... Mom/Dad got home, Dwayne called, so I came back home, returned his call and talked to him a few minutes, ate and put my buns in the bed.

December 21, 2008
Sunday

Slept pretty good last night. I think I only got up once to pee-pee. Climbed out at 8:30 AM, coffee, email, sent out the Christmas e-card, resent RHR final notice ... mostly just piddle stuff, taking it easy. Picked up and took the wrong dang pill ... meant to take my vitamin, but took the dog-gone PM dosing instead. <sigh> Oh well ... not a lot I can do about it now. 

Did the editing/enhancing deal on the pictures I took at Christmas with Grandma. Uploaded them to my Wal-Mart account and shared them.

There's been rather nostalgic the past several days ... my thoughts, feelings and epiphany's, visions of a sort into various facets of life, love, happiness and numerous other emotions. I can't adequately put words to several of them, but they have all in some form or the other brought varying degrees of growth and understanding. So many enlightening thoughts and views toward various things. This isn't quite the way the song goes, but some of the key phrases that inspire my life ...  "If you would give your life away, for nothing in return ... if you would choose to loose when you could win, Then you are where my kingdom will began. Upon this rock, I'll build my kingdom, and on this rock, forever and ever it shall stand - upon this rock of revelation, I'll build a strong and mighty nation and it shall stand the storms of time, Upon this Rock". (This is song will always remind me of you, Susan ... in more ways than one, YOU are my rock of revelation ... I love you dearly, always remember that!).

Numerous times recently I have myself humbled beyond words ... mostly on a couple of television shows, but seeing others giving and doing for other people out of selfless love just because they can ... finding myself seeking for these same type of opportunities when I'm out in public ... looking and wanting to find someone that I can just give or do something for them -- it IS in GIVING that we receive the GREATEST gift. It's such an awesome feeling. I'm not a person of material wealth, but I'm rich beyond words or measure with blessings. To be able to share these blessings with any and all brings it back to me 10 fold.

Inspire someone around you today - Give of yourself!

Mind, Body, Spirit

I think I'm fixing to climb in bed ... need to take my butt to see Wally tomorrow and do some modest Christmas shopping.

December 22, 2008
Monday

Slept okay last night, I guess ... shucks, it done gone and turned burr again. <yuck!> Needless to say, I didn't set off for my shopping jamboree this morning. I'm about to run slap out of time, so I have got to stop putting it off!

Email from Dwayne ... he's not enjoying his recovery, but says it does seem to get a bit easier each day.

December 23, 2008
Tuesday

Okay ... up at 6:00 AM, showered, cup of coffee, dressed and out the door at 7:00 AM to go see Wally - home at 8:15 AM, modest gifts for Mom/Dad wrapped and under the tree - 9:00 AM back home, more coffee and here we be at it. The shopping actually went too smooth ... wish I could have done more, but unfortunately my available funds and Wally's product requirements just couldn't come to terms.

As the Girls Twirl is on ... I'm liking that show. Luke and Noah may be getting back together ... they were intimately kissing each other rather passionately yesterday - in public ... it was hot. I'm a little into the rest of it, but I'm pretty sure I watch it because of Luke and Noah. They were flirting with each other more today and planning some "alone time" for New Years. 

"Luke Snyder	" "Noah Mayer"

• Part 12: Luke & Noah - After the Embrace

• Part 13: Luke & Noah - The First Kiss

• Part 14: Luke & Noah - After the Kiss

• Luke & Noah - NoahandLuke.com

• Luke and Noah Fans

• Van Hansis (Luke)

• Jake Silbermann (Noah)

Damnedest thing has happened. I want to find love again. I've spent the past 5/6 years not looking, not wanting and not willing ... out of the blue, I've realized today - I want it. I want to share all my life with someone that wants to share all their life with me. I've been watching some gay romance clips on YouTube from a guy called "blanenship2"  ... seeing these guys touching each other - not porn, but romance, their lips sharing tender kisses, looking into each others eyes, holding each other showing their love and desire above the waist - not just expressing it with sex. Not being ashamed of who they are, sometimes seemingly not even aware or caring about others seeing their love, but only concerned about each other. I spent recent years determined to extinguish that desire ... You hear people say of others, "they died of a broken heart".  I think maybe that is why I wanted to lose the emotion. I seem to want it so badly and every time I've reached for it, it has been denied me, so kill it before the emptiness kills me. Why can't it happen for me? I have an awesome family, but we are dysfunctional nevertheless. I mean, what? Am I incapable of giving and showing love to someone? Do I not love myself so I can't love anyone else? I just don't get it. <sigh> "I wanna' know what love is ... I want you to show me."

December 24, 2008
Wednesday

Ah, Christmas Eve 2008. Hark the herald, angel sing ... glory to the new born King. Hard to believe it's Christmas again already. Wonder why "the older you get, the more time flies"?  Oh well, rejoicing that I have another Christmas to share with all my family, praise to God no empty chairs of loss. What an overwhelming blessing each and every one of them has been ... Yes indeed, glory to the new born King.

10:30 AM - buzzed my head a little earlier ... mulling over maybe shaving my head again. I haven't done it since I left Atlanta. I like it shaved, but it's such a pain to keep it that way, and on top of it all, the price of razors is ridiculous. Anyway ... tried to call Dwayne a few minutes ago ... it just rang, guess he's on the phone since the machine didn't pick up. He called back shortly ... he and Dad had been to the drug store. Poor guy is having a rough time with his teeth ... says he feels like hell and his gums are so sore he can't eat anything. I hope they improve and quickly.

I'm having a really hard time with the things I wrote about yesterday ... "love". I keep looking further into their portrayed romance ... seeing how popular it seems to be with their fans. I know I've become one, and there's a big vat of jealousy that accompanies it. <sigh>

I guess it's the season ... I can't seem to stop crying. I guess that's a good thing ... for so long there were no tears and I was scared there never would be again, so I don't so much mind the tears - just the reason for the tears that stain my face ... no one to see them, no one to wipe them from my cheeks, no one to hold me till the screaming pain in my breaking heart is silenced and once again beats wearily sustaining life in order to resume its hopeful search, wanton with need to fill the lonely darkness with light, sharing the magical completeness that comes with giving the gift called love and return reason for it's humble continuance.

-- O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining, It is the night of the dear Savior's birth. Long lay the world in sin and error pining. Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! O night divine, the night when Christ was born; O night, O Holy Night , O night divine! O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

-- Hark the herald, angel's sing - glory to the new born King. Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled! Joyful, all ye nations, rise, Join the triumph of the skies; With th' angelic host proclaim Christ is born in Bethlehem! Hark! the herald angels sing, Glory to the new-born King!

We had our annual Christmas Eve gathering tonight at Mom/Dad's (Mom, Dad, Gina, Gene, Bobby, Steven, Eric, Renee and myself this year). It was nice, as usual and always a blessings too. Bobby and Steven opened 1 gift each (camouflage overalls for Bobby and Camouflage coat for Steven). I got writable CD's, DVD's and covers from Eric/Renee, Mom got a very pretty display angel.  (See Pictures)

December 25, 2008
Thursday

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord"

Good Morning! Merry Christmas!!!

10:30 AM - Pillsbury cinnamon buns with Mom/Dad is the highlight thus far. They didn't get invited to the Timm's estate to see Bobby/Steven get Santa Claus this morning.

Beautiful day ... sunny and warm ... my stars and garters, even got the fan going and a window open and still kind of warm in here!

12:30 PM - Okay, A/C officially in the "on" position.

Laid down and took a short nap ... Gina/Gene and the boys arrived about 4:00 PM and of course wanted to go directly to the gifts/Santa. It was another of the many wonderful, blessed Christmas', but the biggest and best blessing was we were all together once again. I hope and pray for 100 more just like it.

December 26, 2008
Friday

Typical morning ... started the SSS deal around 10:00 AM so I'd be ready when Roger called. We met in Anderson ... I guess it was 1:30-ish ... originally at the Cracker Barrel ... too busy, too noisy ... so we decided on Fatz instead, (close by). Had a great visit and  very much enjoyed the time we were able to share. I wish we were closer and could do it more often, but alas, not the case. <sigh> Thanks Roger, you're a blessing.

Otherwise, pretty uneventful day ... took a very short late-afternoon nap. Mom brought dinner home, so didn't have to cook. Walked up there around 6:00 PM to eat. Our new neighbors arrived shortly after we sit down ... their power had not been turned on, so of course we did what we could to accommodate them until the power was turned on, which eventually I did. A very short time afterwards, a hot Little River Electric guy showed up and I had the uncomfortable pleasure of informing him "the breaker was off". He was understandably less than pleased about this untimely information, but I didn't think they were coming. I really hated it for him, but it was the only other solution I could come up with using the information I had available. <sigh>

December 27, 2008
Saturday

Stayed up until 11:30-ish last night ... mostly watching TV and enjoying my new total awesome, bad, kickin' laptop ... yeppers, I got a Dell, dude! <lol> Got our new neighbors settled in last night around 8:00 PM. My new air bed, my Martha Stewart sheets, my blanket ... some tea, a  diet Pepsi, some cups, tissue paper, paper towels ... only thing left was sing them a lullaby and rock them to sleep. Just kidding ... I was blessed to be able to help them and I would hope someone would show such kindness and compassion to my Mom/Dad should it ever be needed - and, it is in giving that we receive the greatest gift.

Up this morning around 9:00. Showered, dressed, ready and waiting for Aaron to call. He and his Mom got here early afternoon ... it was so awesome good to see him. (First person I met on the first day of school in the first grade ... He's my "Joann" ... a life-long friend and a blessed one on top of it all.). I wish we would have had more time, but they were on there way to Greenville to visit Mark at Woodlawn and then to visit his aunt (Mom's sister).

10:00 PM - Veggie Soup for dinner tonight ... mostly so there would be something to share with the new neighbors. I wasn't sure whether they did or not, but regardless, I wanted to make sure they would have something available to eat, and since there was plenty ...

Talked to Dwayne tonight ... it's been a few days and was awesome, as always, to hear his voice. He's still not feeling really great or able to chew ... I wish there was something more  I could do for him. He's having his stitches taken out Monday ... I've offered him a place to stay, but he isn't sure just yet.

I've enjoyed "Desperate Housewives" and "Boston Legal" this evening. I sometimes wish I could map my thoughts. They occur much faster than I can retain them and put them into words that justify their unique clarity. The ones I am able to write about are simplistic in comparison, and many slip effortlessly into non-existence. <sigh> I think, as it is now midnight, I shall now retire. I don't know exactly why since I don't even know for sure what day it is, but nevertheless, goodnight! :)

December 28, 2008
Sunday

Wow ... okay, it's almost 11:00 AM and my worthless but is just crawling out. I woke up several times earlier, but there is nothing going on today and I just wanted to sleep in. :)

Haven't applied a lot of productivity for the day. Minimal tidying up and mostly playing with my awesome bad new laptop. I'm having some issues with using Office 2000 on it that are rather irritating ... more specifically, Outlook. I'm not totally against the email program that was preinstalled, but sort of wanted to completely stick with the Office suite. I can/could upgrade for around $300.00, but I really can't even close to afford that. <sigh>

3:00 PM - I guess Mom/Dad have gone to Sam's ... the SUV is gone and they aren't here. It's lightly raining outside ... for the most part, it's been a gloomy day. I don't know if that is the reason for my emotional status today or if it's perhaps a deeper issue. I've been a basket full of emotion lately.  

Wisdom Worth Sharing:

• Find what is really and truly important, focus on it and push everything else aside.

• It's never a mistake to care for someone

• Don't "settle" for anything.

• It is in giving that we receive the greatest gift.

• Live each day more abundantly than the day before.

Went to my sisters this evening (bro-in-laws birthday) ... she had picked up a Linksys wireless router so the boys could get online with their new laptops from Mimi ... worked a couple hours trying to get it set up, but wasn't successful ... surprisingly disappointed with the product. I've bought other Linksys products, recommended this one specifically because I never had any issues with their products before. 

Okay ... wee-doggy. Took pill, doing the deal, down for the count. May any and all who may happen to find themselves reading these words be blessed and find life more abundant.

Nothing I ever say or think or do will ever be more important than these words -- I love you, Mom ... more than all the sand on all the beaches in all the world - I love you more. Not for what you buy me, but for the life you've given me and the person you've made me want to be. Thank you forever and ever and ever. Amen

December 29, 2008
Monday

Roughly midnight before I found myself in bed ... slept okay.  Never heard anything from Dwayne, so I assumed he was handling everything alone. He called a little earlier, but the phone did the little "blip" thingy and didn't fully ring ... I happened to see a new call on the ID, checked and it was him. He made his appointment okay, but they told him to come back  at 12:45, so he ran down here for a short visit. Good to see him, as always ... I wish we could of had more time. More affirmation, I guess. <sigh>

 Okay ... typical evening. The return of Booby came on today ... Dad went and picked him up this afternoon, so so moderate alterations were required for dinner.

Wisdom Worth Sharing:

• It is ill advised to find one's self looking for love in all the wrong places ... down right daunting one might say.

It's heading towards 11:00 PM and I'm heading towards the bed.

December 30, 2008
Tuesday

Slept longer than I should have this morning ... didn't roll out until 10:00 AM. Definitely not the first time, but I find myself more to the liking of 8:30 to 9:00-ish better.

Dad took Bobby back home ... Gina called and said she had the  Netgear router, so I got dressed, went over and installed/hooked it up. Steven was so adorable! When I first started the installation, I was teasing him and ask him if he had any money ... said he didn't. Picked at him a couple more times during the process ... no money. Once I got the network setup and his computer  connected wireless - all of the sudden he miraculously had a $1.00! Happy, even eager to hand it over! <lolololol> I love you Steven!

Dwayne called about 7:30 PM ... we talked until his phone went dead. I've been working on a e-New Years card to send out to my cherished friends. I've been pleasantly distracted by the Kennedy Center Opera House Award's honoring the beyond awesome, beyond fabulous, the beautiful, magnificent Barbra Streisand. She is above and foremost my favorite all-time artist. Legendary indeed.

I believe in if you tell the truth or -- it comes from your heart, what comes from the heart goes to the heart. So it reaches people," she said.

Legendary Singer & Kennedy Center Honoree

Barbra Streisand Official Website

 

December 31, 2008
Wednesday

New Years Eve ... I guess yet another with no significant other by my side. <sigh>

Slept okay last night, I guess ... probably around midnight when I crawled in. I seem to be dreaming a lot more lately. I had woke up this morning, opened the blinds and placed the pillows, but I laid there and dozed back off again. I started dreaming that I woke up, looked out and Dwayne's truck was outside .. I was so excited! I jumped up, pulled some clothes on and ran outside only to discover it was someone else. The outside setting was different than in reality, but it was some guy broke down that Dad was helping. I was so disappointed in the dream that it made me wake up and of course realize the disappointment all over again. Yep, I repeat New Years Eve ... I guess yet another with no significant other by my side  :(  Well, clearly there could be worse things not to have, so Happy New Year to one and all.

Ironically, the difference between atomic time and Earth time has now built up to the point where it needs to be corrected, so this New Year's Eve we will experience a rare 61 second  minute at the very end of 2008 and revelers .... will have an extra second to celebrate.

Wisdom Worth Sharing:

• In 20 years, you will regret what you didn't do more than you will regret anything you did.

• Use wisdom to do random acts of kindness to others.

Spent a good portion of the afternoon designing and building a New Year card to send to my cherished friends. We had dinner at my adopted brother and his wife and families house ... it was nice, but even so, something was missing. Built a bonfire down by the lake and set off fireworks ... called Dwayne at midnight and wished his machine --

Happy New Year!